However, as I got older, I realized that life would not be as fulfilling if I continue to be afraid… Should I continue to be in the status quo just because I was too afraid to fail and to get hurt?It took time for me to convince myself to get into “trouble” of falling in love.

When one is excited to try something different, usually her heart palpitates and her mind would wander to the dreamland… We allow our emotions to rule us, instead of allowing our mind to discern for the right thing.Our young heart is impulsive. It makes us think irrational thoughts.It makes us daydream a lot of what would be and what should be.It allows us to picture a knight-in-shining armor saving us, a damsel in distress – a perfect gentleman, who is tall, dark, handsome and other hosts of positive adjectives we pictured in our minds (Am I correct with my description ladies???). We wish that our fairytales would really come true at the end.

So, we allowed our hearts to believe a dashing gentleman whose sweet words told us that we were their dream girl and we were loved.But as days passed by sweet words became sour and this dashing gentleman became ogres in our eyes as they found “another dream girl” somewhere else.Our hearts were crushed a million times and we cannot believe that our eyes could hold enough water as tears just flowed unceasingly for days and nights.So, we told ourselves that we will NEVER allow someone to hurt us again that way.

But I guess, “normal” women have naturally soft hearts, and have the tendency to long for love and be taken-cared of.And the promise “not to love again” is replaced by “maybe, he is different” when she meets again someone interesting.With few sweet words and loving gestures, our hearts melted again, and there we go, happily hopping and in-love with our new “soulmate”.And as usual, we still looked for something/someone we created in our thoughts… At the end, we realized that we were disillusioned because the man whom we thought as our soulmate is someone very different from the one we pictured in our mind.We started seeing his worst traits and along with it, went ours, too.And one day, whaaaam!It all just blasted and we realize that our soulmate is nowhere to be found.

The journey is just too long and painful.The story keeps on repeating and the characters are just replaced by another “prospect soulmate” every time.It all comes in cycle and we are back to crying and misery again and again.

Is loving really worth all the risk in the world even if it will cost our hearts to be turned into pieces all over again?Are we going to reach a destination where someone would really be waiting for us lovingly at the end?Are we really going to meet the ONE who will not just sugarcoat his words, but will take the right actions and make our dreams a reality?After all the pains and sleepless nights, is it still worth another try?

At this stage of my life, it is not that I am already afraid to take the risk because of what I went through in the past.But I think, I have learned to free my heart and mind and no longer hold on to my “impossible dreams”.I came to realize that there is no knight in shining armor. That people have imperfections and true love means knowing and accepting them.That relationship is not about pushing on the person what you think is right, and being able to compromise at some point.That one could fall out of love and find love somewhere else.That I should not be miserable over someone who was unfaithful and untruthful (I was saved from a lifetime of misery!Praise God!)That one’s concept of lasting relationship may just take few days, few months or several years.That if a relationship ends, our life does not… We just need to move on and head to a much better future….That holding too hard on someone could just cause him to long to be free from my grasps.That love is being able to let go when the situation calls for it.That when love is true, it makes one a better person and NOT a bitter person.

Yes, I am willing to take a chance to love again, even if it means that my heart may be broken again into pieces.But this time, I already know my worth as a person and as a woman.I know my reason why I would be in such kind of relationship – not to look for an impossible Mr. Dreamboy, but to be with someone who may be imperfect, yet real and ready to fight his love for me.

This time, I know that if I give someone my heart again, it is because I see goodness in him, in spite of his imperfections. That I see him worthy of my affection, love and care.That I honor his presence and believe that he is equally proud of me.That I see myself growing old with him.And along with that is the hope that I am seen as a worthy partner who should be given respect, care, and dedication.

Through all this now is a heart that does not expect too much, least I would be frustrated and hurt again.I would hope and pray that God would bless us with forever.Yet, if this special person chooses to let go of me, I would not beg him to stay since I know that begging could not make him happier, and it would just make me more miserable.I tried fighting in the past and lost.I learned that a person who values his partner does not need to be threatened or be begged to stay, since he would wholeheartedly love to be beside his beloved.

The failures in the past are not mistakes but lessons to be learned.God allowed them to make me a better, stronger and more courageous person.Now, I can understand reasons behind pain, failures, weaknesses and temptations, and had learned to give them all back to God and allow Him to redirect my path.He had formed me into someone who has a capacity to give so much love to others and to that special person whom He has especially prepared for me all this time.

God is love.With deep faith in His guidance and goodness, I am willing to take great risk in love again, and hopefully this time, it would be with the man who is willing to do the same.Someone who sees me as a treasure and seeks ways for us to be together, FOREVER…..

These are Living Words of God i strongly affirm and believe.

Last September 14, 2008, we brought my mom to the hospital for her left hip be checked by an orthopedic since she slipped in our bathroom, and had been suffering pain in that area.  My mom had stroke attack twice already and seeing her in pain brought much agony to me.  And after she had her x-ray, the doctor told us that she had hip fracture and needs an immediate operation for her to be relieved from pain and be given the chance to walk again.

The thought of relief to my mom is a great desire.  I love my mom so much that I never wanted to see her suffer more.  Yet, in my heart I had trouble thinking where to get the money to buy the prosthetic and other expenses needed for her operation.  In 2 weeks time, I needed to raise money and God knows, I don’t know where to get it.  My monthly salary is enough to finance our daily needs at home but not to finance an entire operation procedure.  I never wanted to borrow money from loan sharks since it’s interest is quite staggering.  I lifted to God my concerns.  I was worried but I always believed that God has always took care of things I needed most.

I don’t have a choice but to open to some friends my concerns.  And I was surprised of God’s overwhelming response through them.  I was able to raise the money I needed for the operation and extra money for her medicines, in barely a week!  My mom was able to have her operation on September 27th, as scheduled.  God is indeed a great provider!

What is quite touching is the fact that some of those who helped me - brothers and sisters from SFC-Guam and Von are people I never met in person yet.  I was even touched when I knew that Sis. Merly Carandang’s mom was also undergoing the same predicament as my mom, and yet, she never hesitated to send help to me.  They are example of people who are unselfish in sharing God’s love, even to a “stranger” like me.  I am considered a cherished friend.. and I felt true friendship through them -  God’s love in flesh…

My long time friendship with Angelica, Sis. Malou, Jasmin and Bro. Richard is a proof that true friendship is tested most in one’s lowest moment.  Their financial support and prayers have made everything possible.  I was never left alone.  I felt their support, even with the distance that separate us.  I am forever grateful.

The Sisters of the Poor Clares Monastery (through Sr. Fatima), the Mary Consolatrix of the Eucharist (through Mother Mary Francis), the SFC Community, Ate Meenje, Ate Genia, and many friends who prayed for my mom’s successful operation have been angels sent from God.  Their prayers interceded on our behalf and allowed miracles to unfold in those trying moments.

God helps indeed those who have the humility to seek for help and those who believe that God will indeed send aid.  I used to think that i could survive on my own.  But my weaknesses and limitations allowed me to see that there are blessing which could only be taken by humbling ourselves.  As of this point, I am thinking what could have happened to my mom if I allowed my pride to overrule me?  She may be still in pain and wallowing in depression.  I may still be in trouble and feeling so guilty since I have not done anything to take the pain from my mom.

Indeed, it pays to lose ourselves if it could mean survival of another person.  I lost my pride but I helped regained the strength and hope for my mom.  I gave her the faith that indeed nothing is impossible with God.  That since God allowed a “miracle” operation for her, it is never hopeless for her to walk again.  And I know deep in her heart, she also have the same conviction and faith now.  Isn’t that a wonderful exchange?

Mom is home now and recuperating because of the goodness of my friends.

Yes, friends are indeed treasures.  And I will forever cherish this gift I have been generously given.  I know that I have never been the most perfect child God deserves, yet, I felt so much awed to feel such overwhelming love showered my way, every moment in my life, especially in times I needed help the most.

I will forever be grateful for everyone’s love for me.  I do pray that as my friends have become blessing to me and my family, may I likewise be a blessing to others.

I am indeed blessed by God… coz i have TRUE FRIENDS….

Only this month, December, I met Joanna Camilon, an old college schoolmate. There is really nothing extra special about this meeting, if not for the fact that Jo and I are not really close back in the college days in UP Tacloban.

In fact, our friendship was just more of occasional smiles, kwentuhan, nods (when we see each other in school gatherings), simple hi and hello.  we were really not into the same group. Jo is the holy kind while I walked on the wild side of the road. Although extreme, I believed then that she is such a good friend, just that we were really not given the privilege of being able to sit down and talk things out…

The funny thing is, she is also one of those friends whose numbers I do not keep. Although we are Friendster and Yahoo friends, we never get around to asking our mobile phone numbers, we were just contented with simply sending emails and exchanging reminders and information via the internet through our Yahoogroups account, and even then, these would usually be a group message or a group email.

So, astonishingly, I was surprised when she texted me, early this December, asking if I can meet her cause she was within my turf, (Taguig-Bicutan area), and she got nowhere else to go and it was just a few hours after landing Manila. She said she really doesn’t have any idea where to go cause most of her UP Tacloban friends are already married and busy with their families and with their careers. She said she was to have a one-day seminar here in the big city and she was housed daw in TESDA, the building near our school, TUP Taguig.

Now, what took me by surprise was she practically asked me if she can have dinner in my house.  well, food is not a question for me, it was the very prompt and daring, although flippantly stated, request from her that stunned me! This was not the old Joanna I used to see, meekly and shyly smiling at me, rarely uttering a word! This Joanna is one heck of an actualized, single woman…who is LOST! hahaha!

No doubt, I will be willing to feed whoever would come knocking on my door, if need be, the astonishment came from the fact that, this was the Joanna Camilon, the very shy Joanna! And then I asked, why me? I barely go out with her when we were in college (if not for the occasional batch meetings, parties, activities, etc., we all attend back then…)for I believed that she is not into my ways “ I have always been galawgaw, rowdy, noisy and funny while she was my extreme opposite, she was the spick and span, downright mahinhin and conservative gal, boys would love to run after even up to now."

Now I wonder why the sudden change of heart? Although, the thought of being able to get to know her better at last this time around gives much joy to my heart for I believe that we could be great friends back then had we just been given the chance to really sit down and talk…thresh things out. I could have inculcated in her my “no-stage-fright” persona while she would in turn teach me the basic rudiments of modesty and propriety!

And since I get to read her text late that night already, I promised I’d see her the following night. But then my schedule was so erratic, with the many deadlines to meet, I wasn’t able to meet her again on the time I set, so, to make amends, I went out of my way Tuesday morning, to see her, I just gave my students a series of seatwork and writing activities then I went to see her.

What did I then found out? Why was she suddenly turning to me? Simple. We both realized, while talking and exchanging happy memories in UP Tacloban, that the one thing we trade off as we grow older, become more actualized in our fields of specialization and weave new dreams with new partners, families and friends, is the great relationships that we built when we were still on the process of working for the realization of our dreams before.

Admittedly, we both realize that even if we had live separate lives back then, our single-blessedness forced us to unite! hahaha! Kami kami naman la daw kay sira sira naman san yana nga panahon!As Jo pointed out, "Kay sira man tanan wara na man time, kay adton man san ira tagsa tagsa nga pamilya ngan trabaho, salit kit nga waray pa asawa, asya na la an magbuburunyog…busy naman gud sira tanan. San hadto kadadali la sira ipatawag kay damo pa man kam nga waray asawa, ta yana, ak na la ada adton waray pamilya!"

We actually started laughing with this observation, for it was really a glaring proof that we are thirty and single…still! We had a grand time talking, catching up. She was telling me funny stuff about her accounting friends in college, her job, her reason why the single-blessedness and her plans for the future.

Me, on the other hand, gave her my unvoiced thoughts about her in college, telling her that we could have been good friends back then if not for the different crowd we moved in, in UP Tacloban; also, my recent learnings here in this big city, my foibles and conquests in being a teacher, my hopes and my dreams like her. And of course, we also talked about WHY we are still unattached at 30 and we both had a grand time laughing as we point out and rationalize our nice “predicament”, which we had unanimously agreed as a “personal decision”!

Ahh Jo! I wish I could have known you long before..but hey! Its never too late.  you said we’d go to Catarman this Christmas break to visit Rico Leo…hmm..and you were actually forcing me to host sort of a reunion before the year ends…hmm…I got your number already girl, so I guess I’ll see you!

And without us knowing it, she was off to airport again. So I helped her find a cab and bid her goodbye, with the promise to see her when I go home this Christmas.

On my way back, I was in deep thoughts.  I realized one thing: That when a crowd grows thinner and when you don’t join the leaving crowd, you’ll be left all alone in search of those individuals who like you, didn’t vanish with everyone else. And when you find these very few people who stood on the same plane you were standing on, you realized that much have been lost in the midst of a thick crowd, when all you could have done is just blindly thrust your hand out to them and pick it up from there, cause if you fail to do this, you would be missing out on one of life’s greatest gifts - - FRIENDSHIP!

So, hin-o pa an single dida? Upod kam sa am!

"I’d rather take the risk in living and loving… in falling down and getting up… in getting wounded and learning from scars… and growing up in God…"

but when can one tell as to when will be the right time to continue holding on or to finally let go?  is it courage when one keeps on holding on, knowing deep pain is ahead and everything is just bound for destruction? is that love or just a mere stupidity? 

or should you just let go just because you’re afraid that staying would mean hurting yourself in the process?  you think of letting go since you’re afraid that past hurts will recur in the present? is this sanity or just a mere cowardice?

i believe that i am never stupid or a coward… but i am a strong believer of making decisions that would be the best for me and for everyone.  not all decisions i made were easy… in fact, most of them were quite painful, and some of the remnants would still surface from time to time. 

in the most difficult moments, i would also wish i never made those decisions.. lots of "what ifs" would bombard my mind… regrets on dreams/wishes that will never be… yet, looking back to that certain past, i believe that i was not the passive person people consider me to be… i have risked much, loved much…. i have not wasted any friendship.. i returned the love given to me, the best way i could… but my heart was not well-taken cared of, expecting that i will just be around forever… well, people do wake up from every slumber… we could somehow allow our hearts to wonder.. yet, we would always wish that the person whom we give our heart and trust, would be the source of our happiness, and not of sorrow… it took me great courage and strength to make very difficult decisions… but i know that i could never turn back, every time i’d make one… one thing that i would just like to be sure of is that i am doing God’s will, however painful it may be…  at the end of the day, i would feel that i made the right move, after all… no regrets, no pain… just the feeling of freedom for finally having let go of something or someone that made me a "great prisoner" in my own world…

goodbyes will always be painful… but it is better than staying in a situation that hinders us from becoming the person God made us to be… i believe that i will still look back to such past.. it gave me a good memory after all… it made me happy at one point.. it made me meet good friends whom i will always treasure for the rest of my life, and it allowed me to have a better perspective in life… but yet, i know that even if i look back, i will never be the same person who once threaded in that past… if i meet a certain person in my past someday, i’ll surely be glad to see him, but he could never see the person who used to pour such great love, which he just wasted in vain…

i want to let go… i choose not to hold on anymore… i want to let go of heartaches… i want to let go of being the second best… i want to let go of useless struggles… i want to let go of negativism… i want to let go of insecurity… i want to let go coz i am praying for full happiness of others… and for myself too…

God sees and God knows… if i let go now, it’s because i know that He never wanted me to settle to be the second best… He has prepared the BEST for me… someone who could see forever with me… someone who sees me as God’s precious gift… someone who sees my heart and soul, and not just those visible to the eye…

i hold on to God’s promise.. He is always faithful… and He never fails…

In a world where technology has greatly advanced….where everything seemed to happen in an instant…when almost everything can be produced in a matter of second…Patience has become a luxury… and not a desired virtue…

Recently, my slumbering spirit has been greatly bothered by something that somehow "pushed me to the wall."  All my life, i am known to be someone who’s very prudent, especially in taking decisions that involves very important aspects of my life…i need time to discern, weigh things, and find strength to prepare myself on the consequences of the decision that i may take… i can’t just make conclusions, jump blindly, and regret my act after….i have this conviction that best things come in the right season….you can’t just force a mango to immediately ripen, or else, it won’t be sweet when you’d finally eat it…things are sweetest when you labor and wait for the rght time to come…

Even with the advancement of technology, there are still things that needs time, for them to blossom, to grow into full maturity and for them to have strong roots to overcome challenges in the future… love and marriage do not happen overnight… some may believe in love-at-first-sight, but seldom does 1st impulse of passionate emotions last that long… best relationships are cultivated through deep friendship, and in thoroughly knowing the person… at the moment that one could already accept the beautiful and worst side of the other party, that’s when one could finally affirm that he/she truly loves the other, and is already prepared to move up to the other level of the relationship.

nowadays, "commitment" seemed to be an ancient belief… with the advanced technology, relationships could just be started with a mere text message or thru the internet - - - no formal visitations, talk and plans needed… as long as one has enough load and access to the internet, one could have a "chance"of getting into relationship with some… but how strong is a commitment made thru text and internet?  is it enough to make a relationship last? how could that really last when it’s possible for one person to "commit" to 10 persons at one time, without the parties knowing it? could people be honest in their emotions and in their declarations?

well, definitely, we could not discount the fact that God allowed advancement in technology to pave ways for people from the different areas of the world to meet.  the world is indeed getting smaller, and it’s amazing to note that we could already communicate to our friends even in far off places in matter of seconds, without the necessity of being in one place together. 

i do believe that this technology could help… but above that should be the pure desire/ intention to really know the person’s heart… in this high-tech era, we could create personalities that are far from reality… and the personal touch in a relationship has been set aside, since almost everything is just being depended with one text, with one email, or one call… cards, letter, personal visits and conversations are seen as waste of time and money… but nothing should be considered wasted if one is done for a beloved, and with a good intention to know the person deeper, and show the love in more sincere ways…

God has provided us with technology to enhance our lives and to make relationships closer and true… as persons blessed with this gift, may we desire to use them responsibly and with the best intention, for our world to be filled with people with better perspective and enhanced relationships…

It was funny when people would suggest for me
to look for a possible boyfriend/ husband in the internet… as if, i
can just shop on e-bay and the next day, my "order" will be outrightly
delivered on my doorsteps… i have nothing against relationships
starting thru text and internet… i have known several wonderful love
stories and i admired them… though on my part, if ever i use the
internet it’s mostly for business and educational purposes… though, i have made very good friendships here, too… yet, if God would lead someone to me through this medium, it’s something that i don’t shun… yet, i hope for greater substance than just chatting and texting… i believe, building a stronger and more loving relationship needs more than these things….the use of the advanced technology is good… but the traditional ways of courtship is more desirable and exciting…. something, that’s buried into oblivion by our generation…

i know that i am always misunderstood by my principles in a committed relationship… i am most of the time misconstrued as idealistic, and my desires are considered to be near to impossible… but is believing in doing what is right a mistake?  i know that i am never a perfect person… people could always point out lots of weaknesses in me…. i stumbled several times already…but i try to be stronger and rise from every fall i’d have… and hopefully, learn from my mistakes…

life is sweeter if we are blessed with things that we have patiently waited for… and not get them by force… or just listen to our emotions because of something we need to do to meet a certain "need"….personally, i know that rushing into something
doesn’t pay… God’s guidance and proper discernment is needed for us
to live more fully and with lesser heartaches and mistakes…. Definitely, God will bless those hearts who know how to patiently wait for His perfect time…. and yes, GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME….

i’m not a morning person…in fact, i find it sooooo difficult to wake up early…tho i make it a point to wake up at 6 in the morning, to speak with my Special Someone….

it’s been a couple of years already since i attended novena masses…i wasn’t even able to attend misa de gallo masses last year, coz i’d usually wake up late for the mass…it’s when ate marlie informed me of the start of the novena for the Pentecost this year, that i suddenly had the "interest" and the "drive" to attend….i informed my friends and officemates about the said Novena…

it was actually funny that my forgetfulness has brought me to attend the early morning mass a day earlier than the schedule….but well, nothing happens by accident.  and it’s not as bad to "accidentally" attend a mass….i was happy to note that my spirit and body are now in agreement for this one…

during those days, it could be noticed that most of the people who attended were senior than me….i think, it’s only me, oress and bro. joseph who seemed to represent our generation (tho my beloved yan2 would sometimes come with me, if he happens to wake up early)…everytime i’d attend the mass, i’d look around those people attending…and i was wondering why a lot of us were there to attend an early morning mass….is it because we are praying for something to be granted to us? or was it because we wanted a problem to be solved? or was there a confusion that we wanted to be enlightened by the Holy Spirit?  whatever the reasons were, the glaring fact was: WE WERE THERE BECAUSE WE BELIEVE THAT IT’S ONLY IN GOD THAT WE COULD FIND TRUE LIFE, LOVE AND SOLUTION TO EVERY SITUATION/ QUESTIONS WE HAVE IN OUR LIFE AND MIND NOW….

9 mornings could seem so long and dragging…but for us who attended the masses, it’s a celebration we would eagerly look forward to….the homilies were very soul-enriching…the love of the friends there greatly manifested God’s great love…and the peace we had in that Chapel of the Poor Clare’s Monastery, was a good respite for the stress/ troubles/ fatigue, we experienced in our daily routine…

i do believe that God has His way of answering our prayers…and in my heart, i know He has answered mine, maybe not as i expected it but in His ways…i just want to thank the Lord for letting me thru and for allowing the Spirit’s  gift of joy, patience, perseverance and love grow in my being, thru those nine mornings…..